|
|
 |
Wednesday, December 2, 1998 After a week of investigation, the esteemed Dr. X made a few discoveries of his own. He brought these discoveries to the Pentagon. Many charges have been brought up on Santa and his helpers as a result of this investigation.
| |
 Santa caught drinking on the job  Artist's conception of Tony  Rudolph "The Bad" |
The infamous Santa Claus: The main charge against Santa so far is breaking and entering. Every year, Santa breaks into people's homes and robs them blind. Santa says that he leaves presents for the people. The victims say that he never left anything except fear and despair. Santa's also being charged with keeping the elves hostage and mistreating them. He's charged with distributing illegal drugs to his reindeer. He also has a few minor charges of assault and battery when asked for an interview. Santa faces up to life in prison and up to one billion dollars in fines. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer: "Rude Rudy", as he is being called is said to be Santa's main thug and head reindeer. He faces over 57 charges of assault. He is rumored to be Santa's personal hitman. Santa has ordered Rudy to attack at least 80 different people, including FBI agent Ionesco, who first discovered the chilling evidence of foul play in the North Pole facility. "Big Red" is also being charged with guiding the sled while intoxicated. Dasher, Blitzen, Donder: Charged with illegal use of drugs. Prancer: Charged with several counts of assault. Comet: Charged with industrial espionage. Dancer: Charged with the bombing of the White House on July 4th of this year. Cupid: Charged with the hijacking and looting or a plane filled with 50 million dollars in unmarked bills. Vixen: Charged with shooting down two American cargo planes. Melf the Elf: Charged with abusing the other elves. Also charged with the kidnapping of ten elves and 25 children. Tony the Elf: Charged with smuggling American-made watches into Switzerland.
-- contributed by the illustrious Dr. X |
| Previous Story | | Return to Home | | Next Story |
