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Wednesday, December 2, 1998 It all began early this fall. An agent from the FBI was sent to the North Pole to investigate the lifestyle of Santa Claus. What he found was astonishing and shocking.
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 "Shocking" -- Ionesco | "The first thing I noticed was the horrible working conditions of the elves" wrote agent Lars Ionesco. "The room in which the elves create their toys was as small as a bathroom and smelled like one too. Besides this the elves were forced to work unreasonable hours. Santa would lock the elves within this room until they would produce 2000 toys apiece. The elves were fed one meal a day consisting of bread and prune juice." "After leaving this room," continued Ionesco, "I entered Santa's house. As I entered the house, I was rudely thrown right back out of the house by one of Santa's reindeer; I believe it to be Rudolph. After this incident, I returned to the States." A more thorough investigation of old Kris Kringle proved that he was hiding something. First of all, Santa has avoided paying his taxes for over 45 years. It appears that Santa has also been charging all of his bills to the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny is having his own day in court later this month for two bombings that took place last Easter. The Bunny had no official comment about Santa at press time. Another rumor has started that three of Santa's head reindeer were using illegal steroids, distributed by Santa. The three reindeer are Dasher, Blitzen, and Donder. The trio is currently on temporary suspension pending a complete investigation. After a week of investigation, the esteemed Dr. X made a few discoveries of his own. He brought these discoveries to the Pentagon. Many charges have been brought up on Santa and his helpers as a result of this investigation.
-- contributed by senior correspondent Stan Patchley |
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