Daring reporter Stan Patchley had a chance to interview the criminal mastermind himself, Santa Claus. What he found will shock and surprise you.

Is it true that every year you invade people's homes and rob them?

Santa Claus:

Shut up, you stupid punk! You obviously don't want any presents this year!

Patchley:

OK, then, um...is it true that you keep the elves locked in a little room all day without any food?

Claus:

Listen here, buster, I don't know where you got your information, but it's all lies. Lies I tell you! Lies!!!

Patchley:

How about the tax problem?

Claus:

I paid my taxes dammit! Gees, man, where did you get this information?

Patchley:

How about the steroids?

Claus:

If my reindeer were taking any drugs of any kind -- and I stress the "if" -- then I had nothing to do with it.

Patchley:

You could face life in prison. What are you going to do?

Claus:

I've had enough of this interview, bub.

-- contributed by senior correspondent Stan Patchley