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Thursday, December 3, 1998 Santa's henchman, Tony "the Elf" Rubeau, has been officially branded a menace. Besides conspiring with Crooked Claus, Tony has contributed to many of Earth's greatest disasters. | |
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Just this year, Tony has caused El Nino, created Hurricane Georges, and killed John Denver. Tony is also charged with tax evasion, mass murder, and conspiring to overthrow the governments of 42 countries. Internationally known as Tony the Terror, he is currently hiding out in Antarctica, where Santa's new workshop and stronghold is located. Stan Patchley called him on his secret line and conducted the following interview. Stan Patchley: Why do you continue in your feeble attempts to plunder and pillage the entire world, lest it fall into the clutches of evil and decay? Tony the Elf: Because it is so much fun. The thrill and joy of the wickedness of the malefic deeds quenches my baneful thirst for malignancy. Death and crime are my "brothers" and I serve them well...very well. Patchley: What about your putrid and meek attempts to "quench your thirst", as you stated? What will you do to make sure that you are not caught? Tony: Besides being supported by Santa's goons, I am a skilled warrior and marksman, comparable to the Snowmanians which adroitly guard our base. I stealthily do my evil tasks and rapidly escape to do other malevolent deeds. Patchley: What exactly do you do? Tony: I knew this was a trap! I will not bury myself into an abyss so deep that I would not be able to climb out! Good-bye and don't bother calling me again! Patchley reported that the phone began smoking and then melted into a steaming blob of plastic and wires.
Tony has many new charges brought up on him, including:
Stan Patchley continued on to interview the crooked criminal mastermind himself -- Santa Claus.
-- contributed by senior correspondent Stan Patchley |
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